You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
