Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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