Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
