Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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