I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
