the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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