Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...