Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
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i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
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I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.