Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.