I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
