im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
