Non-Jews are for practice
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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