I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
