Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
