I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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