i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
