i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
