the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
