I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
