Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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