my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
