New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
