Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
