Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
