the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
