So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
