I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
