You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
