I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
