I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
