This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
