I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
