Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
