we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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