Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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