I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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