His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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