she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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