ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
