i think my mom watched the whole time
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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