At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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