I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
