I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
