I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
