So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
