You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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