I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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