theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
