He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter