come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
