found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.