I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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