there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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