Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
