i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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