No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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