cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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