btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
