i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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