so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
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