I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
