we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
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Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
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Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.