i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
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she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
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Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?