When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.