suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
