i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
