I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
