Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
