i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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