If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
